A Love I Never Had

September 3

Tomorrow I will see him. I don't know how I could face him. I don't know how to stand the hatred that I will be seeing on his face -- the betrayal, the pain that I have caused. My stomach is twisting into tight knots and my chest is constricted I could faint now.

I lay on the bed and saw his picture on my side table -- a silly smirk across his face as he was pinning me down because he wouldn't give me some of his ice cream. Tears began trickling.

September 4

Today, after a year, I will be ready to come in terms with the person whom I have had the longest grievance with.

I dropped by a flower shop and grabbed some white roses. He would like it, hopefully. He always did. He has some of his weird innate kabadingan as I always tell him. I drove to our meeting place and sat down on the cool grass. I looked around and he wasn't there.

Maybe he decided not to show up. I sighed as tiny shards of ice prick my whole being.

Then the stirring of the wind. And he was there.

I could not move at where I was sitting. I was really afraid of this confrontation so I kept my myself from facing his direction. I was not ready after all.

"Hi." My voice croaked. "I don't know where to start." I felt his stares drilling a hole on my back as I did my seemingly stupid monologue. I toyed with the petals of the flowers I bought for him but I could not have the courage to hand it over.

"I know you're still angry at me. I fully understand. But I cannot go on like this anymore. I can't stand the hatred I see in your eyes everytime I dream of you. I can't stand the pain that this is also causing me." Tears started to well up again.

I waited for him to reply but I know that his hurting was so great that he could not even utter my name.

"I did not mean to let you go. You were my best friend. We saw each other as ice cream melted on our faces, our two missing front teeth, all those jologs movies that we watched and how you would laugh at me when I cry. Do not resist me as much as you are doing right now. I know that you have a lot of reason to but please..." I sobbed as I could not contain the emotions that I was feeling at that moment.

Still, I was not able to evoke a response from him.

"I am sorry. I am sorry if you think I left you for someone else. But the thing that he and I had was something that I could not imagine with you. Dre, you are my best friend, almost like my brother and I could not just be what you have wanted me to be in your life..." I heaved desperately. "But you were unfair. You just disappeared like that and left me. Like that. Just like that..."

And the memories flooded once again...

"Lot, mom ni ni Dre. Pwede ka magkadto di sa Riverside Hospital." (Lot, this is Dre's mom. Can you come here in Riverside Hospital). She sounded dumbstruck.

"Ta, nga-a haw?" (Tita, why?) I whispered as my fingers could barely grasp the fone.

"Na-coma si Dre." (Dre is in a coma.) That was barely a faint sound on the other line.

My legs weakened. This was not happening. Dre is a captain of a basketball team. He is the healthiest, strongest person I have ever known. How can he be near death? I shivered at the thought.

"Pakadto na ko ta." (I'm coming.)

"That was very unfair of you Dre." I cried now more than I have ever cried a year ago.

"Lot, may ginpahatag sakon si Andre. Kwa-a lang sa balay." (Lot, Andre left something for you. Get it from the house) Tita Monica hugged me tight as she walked out of the hospital door. "Let's pray for the best."

I took out the letter from my pocket and the sun was slowly settling in the horizon. Dre was still awfully quiet after all this time. After all that I have said.

Lot... I write this letter with one person in mind. You. You who can never be mine. You who can never be someone more than just a best friend. You as my weakness. You as the breath that will be taken away from me. I love you and I always will. Til then.

My heart was throbbing intensely in my ears. I gathered all my guts to face him. As I slowly turned, he was not there anymore. And I could not blame him. I blame myself because I was too late. Too late to realize that I could have been so much more in his life. That I could have been what he would have wanted me to be.

My palms felt the cold pavement beneath it and tiny little goosebumps trailed my spine. Dre is gone. He would never speak to me. He could not. As I looked at the inscription on the ground, my spirit was consumed with pain. It's been like this for a year. And I do not know how long this would go on.

Andre Villanueva, 1982-2000, For someone who has made a difference in our lives. May you be at peace with God.

Falling...

...into my schizo world.

I have this weird urge to write since yesterday. I went home late last night and as I hailed a cab and did some stupid melodramatic looney moments -- this means looking outside the car window with a faraway look and some mellow music on the car stereo -- I just am fading deeper into my thoughts about everything that exists around me.

I tap the keyboard of my PC amidst the half-accomplished to-do list in front of me, some bottles of mock-ups and calculator and keys and pens waiting for me to declare that it is close of business already. It is. I am just procrastinating. Or still waiting for the adrenaline drops to trickle in my veins so that I would have the strength to scrap at least, one bullet in my listed tasks. But I can't. My brain is like, squirming for air already.

Anyway, I don't like to talk about work tonight. I want to talk about life. Or love. Or postcards. I don't know. It's like there are so many trails of thought that beg to be written but I can't grab one tail to befit everything into its place. So I better just let go of some bullets to give justice to each bigger iceberg inside my brain.

• Life - I learned that you can trust nobody at all. People always seem to be swayed by ulterior motives -- selfishness, own crappy interests. On the other hand, I also learned from a page in a newspaper (which is actually a realization of someone else), that laughing will always be the best remedy for everything. I am stuffed with goddarn piles of shit but the laughter that my friends and colleagues give me is overwhelming and it keeps me going until another day in the woods (so to speak).
  
• Work - And when I just mentioned that I won't talk about work. Hehe. Blah! I was reading Dilbert's Principles last night and there is one thing that struck me -- a lot of undertones are hidden in your officemate's sentences (Statement: Our product is premium; Real Meaning: Our product is overpriced).
  
• Love - Nothing can compare to a smile and laughter that you cause someone especially if this person does not always smile or laugh.
  
• Postcards - I feel for other people's angst, plight, thoughts and everything. Visit postsecret.blogspot.com. You'll get hooked.
  

That's just about it. My mind is slowly degenerating and I don't think I still have the same "talent" that I have for writing before. So... here it ends.

About a Boy

He smokes. He drinks. He plays poker. He has lots of girls (and gays, hehe) swooning over him - lot of competition, eh! He is the most mataray and sungit person I've ever known.

He gives me flowers. He cooks for me. He plays Soduko with me. He fetches me when I stay late in the office. He listens to me. He always gives in to all my tantrums. He is the sweetest person I have ever known.

Life has its own ironies. It also threw the dice on me.

I am probably the most difficult person to deal with. I have tantrums. I am mataray. I am masungit. I smoke. I drink. I learned to play poker. But there was this one boy who has exactly the same qualities that made me stop on my tracks and hold my strings tight that I almost, voluntarily just give in. I have wanted this for so long. Someone who has the guts to CONTROL me. To dominate me.

I am a crazy person. He always says that I am a lunatic. In fact, I am. But he said that it is a challenge. Har har. A lot of them back out before because of this same personality of mine. I always tend to dominate the relationship, gear it to the way that I want and always getting away with it. Now, I can't easily do that. But it fits me. Because maybe this is really what I need -- someone who would not be intimidated to cut me slack of my lunacies. I am so in love with my boy.

You Just Don’t Know Who To Trust

It has been just over a year since I was a junkie in this corporate jungle and already, I have been bitten by a snake.

My mom always said never to trust anyone but myself particularly about money. Unfortunately, as gullible as I am, I just had not minded that precaution.

The person who I considered to be very close to my heart in our office betrayed me. Betrayed me because of some friggin big bucks. Funny thing is, I did not want to think it was her. I gave her all the benefit of the doubt but in her effort to blame it on someone else, evidences popped in the way. And it did not include lost money anymore – all the hullabaloo showed falsification of receipts and documents and God-knows-what-else.

I am so tired. Tired of thinking about money. Tired of thinking how people can betray you with money. It is just so goddamn pathetic.

Fettuccini Embryoli

I don't know. It was funny. It was gross. I came across this question here in blogger -- that thing in the profile page -- What is the name of your fave stage actress before she was born? And then this name popped up in my mind ... Fettuccini Embryoli... Fetus in broccoli or embryos in fettuccini? Ok, let me stop just right there.